Emotional wellness is not exactly this line from Whitney Houston's 1987 hit So Emotional.
So what is it?
In short: feelings. Accepting, owning and dealing with the emotions you are feeling.
Sometimes, Emotional Wellness is used interchangeably with Mental Health. This is not correct. What is more accurate is that Emotional Wellness is a part of Mental Health. Emotional Wellness is one of the original Six Dimensions of Wellness. You can check out the others in this post.
Emotional Wellness isn't the art of being happy all of the time. Rather, it is feeling a spectrum of emotions. It is identifying what you are feeling, experiencing it and, in some cases, dealing with it. Underlying the success of this is oodles of positivity and self-confidence.
Joy. Anger. Embarrassment. Inadequacy. Happiness. Tenderness. Upset. Frustration.
These are all different emotions. Some are not pleasant. When felt with an audience, some of them can instigate a waterfall of not good feelings. This can lead to an outburst or even words or actions that later end up regrets.
So how does one combat this negative waterfall?!
It takes practice. Lots and lots of practice.
Let's start with the negative feelings. Your toddler spilled grape juice on the white carpet. You got a bad work review. Your teenager talked back. Your significant other said not nice things. You get the idea...
You want to scream, yell, holler back. You're hurt. Angry. Frustrated. Pissed off. Dammit if they only knew how much you did for them or the sacrifices you made or how hard you tried!
No one wants to coach the hot head, teach the hot head, work with the hot head, be in a relationship with a hot head, be around the hot head when they go off... that's real talk.
First of all... you're allowed all of these feeling and they are valid. Remember that. Whatever the situation. Your feelings are yours. Your feelings are valid. No one can take that from you. Small disclaimer, if someone tells you they're happy or sad (or whatever), you too should respect their feelings. Their feelings are also valid.
Secondly, let's try to deal with those feelings.
Sometimes you have solitude and quiet to sit with what you're feeling; sometimes you don't. Give yourself quiet. Take a pause. Remove yourself if you need to. "Please excuse me, I need a minute to digest this. I'm not sure how I feel right now." Heart racing. Sweaty palms. Gritting teeth. Turning red. Something is happening here. Before you do or say something that will be a regret... step back. Pause. Remove yourself if you have to.
Now ground yourself. Deep breath in, hold it for 5 seconds, exhale. Repeat.
Identify what you're feeling. What is that emotion? Now feel it. Let yourself feel it. This last part may need to wait until a later time, ie you're at work and you need to have a conversation with a direct report. What you can do is always give yourself time to identify what the feeling is.
If you can read this, you are old enough to know you just can't pop off whenever you want to. For real. It will hinder progress and most likely make things worse. Take the pause. Identify what you're feeling. Take deep breaths. Calm yourself down. Now you can better deal with the situation.
This is a learned skill. This doesn't come naturally. Personally speaking, this skill is something I am working on. I vividly remember 5th grade, getting bright red, fuming and not being able to find the words I needed to express myself during a debate. Professionally, I've handled situations poorly due to emotions. I did not have the tools to handle them better. This, in combination with my last relationship, have pushed me to seek out people who know more than me and resources to help me with this skill. I've always been able to hold my tongue, but now I am able to take a step back, identify what it is I'm feeling and then deal with it. Disclaimer: I, too, am a work in progress.
Emotional Wellness has deep roots in self-confidence and positivity. Surrounding yourself with positivity truly has an impact on your Emotional Wellness. Words you hear matter. Whether they are spoken to you, in a song, written or words you say to yourself. Words matter. We will be discussing this more on "You, Me and Coffee", Live at 9am on Wednesday on Instagram @aliveandthrivinghealthcarellc.
Until then... just breathe!
~ Dr. D.
PS. The Queen herself...
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